I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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