I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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