I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
