I'm sorry my penis didn't work
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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