she looked like the bat from fern gully.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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