Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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