so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
