with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
