textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
