It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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