I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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