her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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