i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
