Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
