I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
40s are totally the cure
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
