My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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