If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
