just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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