Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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