you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
