when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
