it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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