My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
