In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
