he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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