I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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