My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
