you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
