she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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