Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
