Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
