if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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