My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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