Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
