you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
