i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
