Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
