I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
