I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
babies were throwing up all over the place
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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