guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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