If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
