Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
