I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
