You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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