google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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