I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
