toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i jhust puked up my retainher.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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