I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
