I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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