I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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