Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
