I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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