just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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