smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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