I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
