the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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