The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
