Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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