i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize