we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
