Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize