Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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