Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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