I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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