Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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