just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
